Gambling
Jokes
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A
group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One
of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to
know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but
took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately
went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted
the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found
only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole
to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the
same street lived a professor who understood sign language and
was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged
man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's
house.
"You
tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm
going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor
conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in
sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry
tree."
The
professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going
to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
3
Poker "Don'ts":
Don't
ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.
Don't
use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.
Don't
butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind
if I join in".
Three
buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After
they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around
at break and discussed their vacation.
The
first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11"
all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The
second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black
jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night
and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a
wink of sleep either!"
The
third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played
the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning
with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."
A
man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are
you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so
the man said: "I bet you L50 that you can't reach up and
touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher
says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought
you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am"
says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
Two
dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was
a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but
I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep,
a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million
dollars." "Had to," he replied, "Caught him
using marked cards!"
Dear
John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Ned
was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his
money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use
the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the
dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings
and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings
into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit,
where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that
he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found
the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures,
a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was
the one who gave you the dime."
"You're
not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left
the door open!"
Two
bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players
when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded
if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes
and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs
new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the
casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and
quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded,
until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll
anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying
attention!''
A
man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies,
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I
don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!
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