Gambling
Jokes
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A
rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police
raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father
Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the
priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to
do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer,
I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister:
"Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an
appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was
not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks:
"Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his
shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"
I
was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy
Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre
dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told
him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only.
So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number
"5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing
that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest
and look up the fifth race.
Matt
raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth
race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning.
Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.
-
I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of
coffee
-
I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
-
I took a five minute shower
-
I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
-
I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
-
I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the
fifth row
-
I entered through the fifth admissions gate
-
I bought five programs
-
I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse
in the fifth race
-
I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there
were five people sitting on either side of me.
I
settled in and waited for the race to start.
"Well,"
said Matt. "Did the horse win?"
I
frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."
Did
you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
William,
I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains,
or what?"
"Who
cares? Just get out."
A
hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly
on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear
to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the
game at once."
"Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping
strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."
Everyone
for some reason likes to act like they know more about gambling
odds then someone else to prove that they are one step ahead of
the other guy. Here is a great story just for those fellas.
A father with 17 race horses dies. In his will he left his 3 sons
all 17 horses.
1/2
must go to my oldest son.
1/3
must go to my second son.
1/9
must go to my youngest son.
Now
you try it: How many horses does each son get?
So
as the 3 brothers are fighting over who gets what, because there
is no way to divide up 17 racehorses. Well, a sports book director
from Las Vegas, rides by on his horse and gets off and tells the
boys that he can help them divide up the 17 racehorses. He then
added his horse to the group, and made 18 horses.
He
gave the oldest son, 9 horses for is ½.
He
gave the second son, 6 horses for his 1/3.
He
gave the youngest son, 2 horses for his 1/9.
And
the sports book director grabbed the horse that was left over
for him self and rode off into the sunset.
Of
course you know, that the horse that he grabbed was stronger and
smarter then the one he left behind.
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