Gambling
Jokes
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What’ll
you have, Normie?”
” Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take
a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
” Looks like beer, Norm.”
” Call me Mister Lucky.”
Bill
Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says : You
see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven"
or "hell".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting
around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful
women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once
in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says
: hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women,
and sex?
The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."
With
that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part
of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many
hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you
one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar
here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf
behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even
stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're
on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and
began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender,
himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey
pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and
said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card
room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and
still make you laugh!
On
a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
" I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told
her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black.
One of them was big ... very big ... an intimidating figure. The
woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob
me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear
immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered,
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely
did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all
too obvious.
Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward
and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding
eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second,
and then another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then....one of
the men said, "Hit the floor," Instinct told her: Do
what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower
of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am,
if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push
the button,"
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her
head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said
the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am." He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable
gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She
didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn
quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her
door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room
she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back
to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning
flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The
card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan
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Sctt,
had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife
would ask him how much money he lost at the casino. Then one night,
Scott never came home at all, and walked in the house at 9 AM,
and his wife was glaring at him. Scott said "I have something
to admit, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home
with the bar maid." The wife then replied "Don’t
give me that bull, how much did you lose last night at the dice
table?"
Buckshot
was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything;
horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even
soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went
to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no
food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife
won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the
stores. Can you help me out?"
So
his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition,
that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply
was "Oh, I have money put away for that."