Gambling
Jokes
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One
day Widdster walked in on his parents having sex. "What are
you doing?" asked Widdster.
" We're playing poker and your mom's the wild card,"
replied his father.
So Widdster walked out and went into his sister’s room and
saw his sister and her boyfriend having sex. "What are you
doing?" asked Widdster.
" We're playing poker and he's the wild card," replied
his sister.
So Widdster walked out and went to his room. Later on Widdster’s
father walked in. "What are you doing!" yelled his father.
Widdster replied, "I'm playing poker!"
" But where is your wild card?" asked his father.
Widdster replied, "With a hand like this who needs a wild
card!!!"
A
guy walks into a bar and notices three men
and a dog playing poker. The dog is playing beautifully. "That¹s
a smart dog," the man says. "Not really," says
one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags
his tail."
( from Poker Nation, by Andy Bellin)
The
strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes,
the older worker had had enough.
"Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're
on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what
you got."
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get
in."
A
doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague
on the other end of the line. " We need a fourth for poker,"
said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the
doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is
it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!
Two
friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines
at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone,
he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to
wait for his friend. Jones quickly lost all of his money and went
to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him
carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith,
"how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones,
"you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks
like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith,
"did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show
it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR
QUARTERS COME OUT!!"
Morning
at the casino. Two bored dealers are delighted when an attractive
lady comes to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a
single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind" she
says "but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With
that she removes both blouse and bra. She rolls the dice, yelling
"Momma needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down
and hugs the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that
she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers
stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks, "What
did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know.
I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
A
little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she
wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her
how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the
little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"
and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in
this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough,
the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff
with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses
herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He
arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle
it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got
so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
" Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
" Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and
I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that
says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll
even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager
on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from
a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president
of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort
of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know
what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going
to. Is it a bet?"
" Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they
shook hands on it.
" See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little
old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger
man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's
office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one.
He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few
minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but
nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that
morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing
he had won.
" Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?"
said the president.
" He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a
witness. Any objections?"
" No, perfectly understandable", said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess
I win!" he said happily.
" Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For
a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop
your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her
position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little
old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in
question.
" Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little
old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer
starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
" What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
" Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see,
I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President
of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
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