Gambling
Jokes
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The
best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet"
You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict
the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your
mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
A
man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice:
DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations,
he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he
starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice
says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds
a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally
open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE
CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man
takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says:
ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette
tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at
him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole
pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody
is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at
the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !
Little
Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions
but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything
to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought
he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
"Tommy,"
said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to
say three words. You can have half."
Tommy
looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."
A
woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of
the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides
to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea
what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests
she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number
29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from
the woman's face and she faints.
Rodney
Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous.
They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.
A
young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino
for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty. So she went to
the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came
out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she
put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.
A
man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde
said:
"Duh!!
Winning!!!"
A
husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him
later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who
was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that
was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want
a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband,
"But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more
shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity
or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision
is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering
the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with
Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies
her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
A
blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.
The
player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing
to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The
dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."
"Well
then, he serves you food; I'm serving you cards, so you should
tip me."
"Okay,
but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"
I
want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father
said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets
it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
" Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later
he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him,"
he said.
" How?"
" Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said,
'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he said
" $5 "
" What happened?" asked the father.
" Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I
made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
" No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10
this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by
the end of the week!"
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